WILD CHILD (Dir. Nick Moore)
So, I’m on holiday in Cornwall and I’m stuck with my sisters and they were watching this so I watched it too and it’s shit and I regret it. There is nothing about this film I can say I liked, other than the main actress looked kinda hot in some scenes and it wasn’t too long.
Maybe you don’t know what this film is. Good; it’s not something we all need to know about. I actually feel that watching it has had a detrimental effect on my life, but if you want to know, here’s the basic story. OK: there’s this spoilt tween girl (aka. Lindsay Lohan post-Parent Trap) who lives in LA or something, she’s a real bitch [because her mom died boo hoo] and has bitch friends. Her dad is the good guy, or the distraught parent at any rate, and he reminded me a bit of Sam Neill crossed with Colin Firth, but he’s not either. Anyway, he sends her to boarding school in England, which is a bit like St Trinian’s but without Talulah Riley, so it pretty much sucks. There, our little American bitch meets some unlikely outcast girlfriends, Shirley whatshername from those Northern films, and the headmistress’ ‘hot son’ Alex Pettyfer, who tries his best to act but completely fails because he’s shit at it and should fuck off back to the discontinued Alex Rider franchise he ruined. So, the girl realizes she doesn’t have to be a bitch, and plays lacrosse a lot (which I think is a stupid sport) – and sorry, forgot to mention, there’s also this big blonde girl who’s the ‘bad guy’. She looks a bit like a man.
Back at the ranch, ol’ bitchface gets a makeover in one of the most puke-worthy scenes I’ve ever watched in my short life, and it turns out she was that girl from Hotel for Dogs all along. Which made me feel guilty for thinking she was kinda hot earlier on in the film, because it turns out she’s actually the same age as her awful British friends. Anywho, she wins at lacrosse (however that’s done), helps Alex wotshisname to act a tiny bit (mostly unsuccessful), burns down the school, has a fucking amazing fun girly time with her new British friends, and something about her mom. Alex Pettyfer drives her around in this great retro car he has (clearly all that sitting round winking at schoolgirls through his golden locks pays pretty well), and that he probably doesn’t know how to drive because that was one of the things he didn’t need to know for the Alex Rider film. I can’t remember what happens to him in the end of Wild Child but I don’t think I care. Anyway, Sam Neill/Colin Firth dude comes over from the US of A and says some sentimental shit, everything’s fuckin amaking, and suffice to say they all live happily ever after (apart from the man-girl bad guy and, hopefully, Labrador boy).
Unless you happen to be, like my sister, an easily distracted 12-year-old girl, Wild Child isn’t going to be your sort of film. Don’t go near it; or you’ll end up regretting watching it as much as I did. But at least we got a funny blog post out of it.
★☆☆☆☆